First, when you break up, don’t be an emotional jerk about it and over-react.
Handle it delicately, diplomatically, maturely.
Yes, it hurts that she ended it. The blow is softened by her insistence that it’s more about her getting in a car and going to find her future. She just knew it wasn’t in New York anymore.
Understand that because you’re going your different ways doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends and support each other as you move forward in different lives.
Then take a few months off from each other.
That way you can actually retain a friendship–just like how you started–and not contribute to the toxic and clichéd landscape of Exes-Who-Hate-Each-Other™.
Follow up with her in a few months when she’s settled in a new town out west. Try a second and third time when she doesn’t reply. Finally receive this message: “Sorry I haven’t replied. This is awkward, but I’ve kinda started seeing someone recently.”
Say something supportive.
Find out a few months later she’s pregnant.
And she wants it. (Even though she told you many times she’d never have kids.)
Be supportive. This is a human life she’s committing to, after all. You can’t be resentful of that.
Then find out soon after she’s grown so close to the new guy they’re now engaged and will marry in the spring.
Swallow hard. “Good for you,” you tell her. “Lucky guy. I hope he’s everything you deserve.”
Get invited to the wedding soon after.
When you finally arrive 6 months later (single, with no romantic interest whatsoever in your life), meet the groom and see the warmth in his eyes. Note how openly he welcomes you. Consider that maybe this guy will be great for her. Maybe there are no losers here.
Try to make yourself useful the morning of the wedding. Carry boxes of booze. Help move tables. Meet the rest of the wedding party. Resist saying, “I’m the bride’s ex-boyfriend.” (Ok, once.)
When her husband-to-be walks out in his white tux, calmly walk up and place a handful of tissues in his hand. “You’re gonna want these in your pocket. For when she cries.”
“Well… I don’t know if she’s gonna cry,” he chuckles, thinking you’re over-reacting.
You know better. He’ll learn.
Watch her recite her vows. See the beam in her eyes. The truth. The devotion. Know that she’s better off with this guy. They have a better connection than you did. That’s ok.
Then as he’s reciting his vows, see the tears start to roll down her face. C’mon, buddy. Look up! Remember the tissues. The tissues!
He remembers them. Disaster averted.
Later at dinner, overhear other women say, “Did you see when he wiped away her tears? So romantic.” Smile.
“Thanks for the tissues, buddy,” he says when you run into him at the bar. “Good tip.”
Give him a fist bump and leave it at that.
When the music starts, dance with her mother.
Dance with her extremely attractive best friend. But watch your hands.
Don’t drink too much. Have some water. Have some more water.
Resist the urge to get up at the mic when everyone starts making toasts. Yes, you could give a good toast. Yes, you know so many wise and clever things you could say about her. No, no one would feel comfortable knowing her ex is waxing poetic about her. Sit tight in the audience for once.
Feel the loneliness settle in as everyone seems to have someone to their side but you. Feel the pangs of romantic longing more and more as the night goes on, wishing there was someone you, too, could take home with you, someone you could dissolve into and have a gorgeous, rapturous night with. Look around the room, scouting. Her? Her? Maybe her?
But no. Finally, accept that’s not in the cards. At least not without possibly taking home someone you shouldn’t.
This is not a night for you. This is a night for her. Don’t do anything to take away from that.
Go to the brunch the next day knowing that you didn’t create any weird stories to sully her wedding. Be proud of that, as small of a victory as that might be.
Hug her one last time before you head off to the airport. “I gotta say, I think this is all gonna work out pretty well for you,” you tell her.
“Well. Thanks. Look forward to saying the same to you one day.”
Then let her go. For real this time.
***
What’s Next at The Good Men Project? Talk with others. Improve your relationships. Join our Love, Sex, Etc. Social Interest Group
RSVP for Love Sex Etc. Calls
![]()
Join the Sex, Love Etc. FACEBOOK GROUP here.
We think you’ll like our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time (Friday calls only). This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
Need more information? Click here.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
What We Talk About When We Talk About Men
—
The post How to Not Be a Jerk at Your Ex Girlfriend’s Wedding appeared first on The Good Men Project.