I’ve lived in a lot of cities–LA, Boston, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Sydney Australia, as well as about 10 small New England towns you’ve never heard of. While all have afforded me various life lessons and experiences that have shaped who I am, none have tested, confounded, inspired and ultimately improved me as much as New York. To live in New York is a love/hate roller coaster on a weekly (if not daily) basis. Every time we New Yorkers think of packing up and moving on, we realize that despite all the heartache it can cause, we’ve never felt more alive than on the streets of Gotham.
- It raises your game. “In New York, there’s no room for amateurs,” George Bernard Shaw once wrote. Indeed, some days it feels like this whole town is one big conglomerate of alphas, and only the strongest survive. A resume and skillset that were good enough to get you a top-notch career in Birmingham might fail to get you a single job here. The only way forward is to be better than you’ve ever been.
- It forces you to improve your social skills. In New York, it’s almost impossible to be alone. You’re constantly surrounded by strangers. Whether on the subway, in restaurants, on sidewalks, at work, and in our apartment buildings, we’re so packed in here, we have to learn to coexist peacefully with others–yes, even the assholes. You learn to be a better conversationalist, to have more empathy for others, to be more diplomatic when having a disagreement at work, or with someone who’s being too loud in the bar seat next to you. Just by the sheer number of interactions you’ll have per day here, you acquire advanced social dexterity.
- You become more generous. At some point or another, we’ve all had our ass saved by someone else–the guy who held the subway door open for you when you were running late to work, the stranger who loaned you a buck when you were short at the bodega, the stranger who gave up his cab for you, to the person who let you walk under their umbrella when you were caught in the rain, this city is too complicated to survive alone. We all need a helping hand once in a while. After a while, you start paying it forward. You help a woman you’ve never met carry her stroller up a subway staircase. You hold the elevator for people. You give the cabbie a $15 tip on a $5 ride because he made you smile for a few minutes. You help the blind guy on the subway platform find the turnstile. You learn that nothing cheers you up like helping others.
- You learn to handle stress better. Otherwise, you simply won’t survive. With delayed trains, broken elevators, working on weekends, impossible rents, $12 beers, no cabs on a rainy night, sweltering summer heat and brutal winter storms, it’s you against Murphy’s Law on a daily basis. Taking each setback personally will make you a basketcase in weeks. You learn to accept chaos in the universe. Chuckle at it even.
- You become more grateful. I used to have this theory when I moved to New York: that I was cursed to just miss subway trains more than others. I was convinced of it. So I started to keep track: On my iPhone, I kept score: “just missed” trains vs ones I “just made.” The numbers were up and down, but after 6 months, I had to admit: it was a dead even tie. It was all just in my paranoid head. The problem was: I wasn’t ever appreciating when things were actually going my way. I was only counting the losses. One time, right after I missed a train, I met an amazing fellow singer-songwriter. We stayed in touch, co-wrote, and 2 yrs later, she was on American Idol. You learn that even the bullshit can lead to magic.
- You appreciate diversity more. When I lived in Boston, I could go a week without seeing another person outside of my skin tone. In NYC, I can’t go more than 3 minutes. Black, white, yellow, brown, we’re all in this together here. We’re in the same crowded subway, jammed up on the sidewalks, packed in line at the market. You can’t help but chat and connect eventually, and realize we all have more in common than we think.
- You’re forced to get out of your comfort zone. There’s too much diversity in this town for you to avoid it for long. Do you hate singing? Within a month your company will invite you to karaoke. Do you hate networking? Well, you just got laid off and have to get a new job. You don’t like making the first move? You’re about to have no choice.
- You have more sympathy for the less . As hard as we’re all having it trying to make ends meet, there’s always someone worse off than you. Much worse off. You think it’s bad that you can’t afford to move to a better neighborhood. But then you meet a homeless mother of 3 who’s just trying to feed her kids for the night. And you realize that you need to stop complaining and start volunteering. This Saturday.
- You become a better friend. Without our friends, it’s just us against a sea of strangers. There are 12 million people here. We can’t get to know everyone, so we have to embrace the ones we do have a connection with. I’ve lived in other towns where it’s possible to remain an island and just take care of yourself. New York is too hard for that. From dealing with Hurricane Sandy to 9/11 to getting laid off to going through a brutal breakup to having your apartment being overcome by rodents, this city will push you harder than any other out there. And when you fall apart–which you will–you’d better have secured some friends for support.
- You find your strengths. With 7 million social interactions a week, you eventually find out where you excel (and where you don’t). At work, at play, as a friend, in the bedroom, you just have more “at-bats” here than in other towns, and therefore find your sweet spot sooner than elsewhere. As tough as NYC is, it eventually reveals to you that you do kick ass at something. It might take a few years to find it, but find it you will. You’ll thank the city immensely for it.
Elia Kazan once wrote, “You’ve got to keep fighting – you’ve got to risk your life every six months to stay alive.” I can’t imagine a place that forces you to do that more than New York. Like the hard-nosed coach or teacher who pushed me to the brink and never cut me any slack, New York may have made me curse its name from time to time, but ultimately I can’t imagine loving another city more. Come give it a swing if you’re up for a good fight.
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The post 10 Ways New York Made Me a Better Man appeared first on The Good Men Project.