In Praise of the Graceful Dismount

People, we’ve got a problem.

We don’t know how to end relationships gracefully.

From the epidemic of “ghosting” to excessively cruel and vengeful behavior in the act breaking up, there’s a decided lack of class in our collective efforts to separate from someone. The advent of phones and texting and apps makes it more tempting than ever to just end something through a cold handful of characters–or by the absence of a reply. Just because you’ve decided, “Our time together has come to a close,” doesn’t mean you have to leave them with a fresh set of emotional baggage. It not only causes unnecessary harm to our partners/ person we dated for a couple weeks, but it’s impeding our ability to connect deeply with whoever our future partners might be going forward.

Why? Because if you can’t respect their humanity enough to avoid unnecessarily hurting them, it probably means you lack empathy. If you lack empathy, that doesn’t bode well for your future romantic career.

There’s a conscientious way to do everything, and ending a relationship is no different.

Let’s talk about “the graceful dismount.”

In gymnastics, as in the precarious balance beam of romantic entanglement, how well you “dismount” is everything. A generally healthy, 2-month relationship can end up being nothing more than toxic, traumatizing memory if the way you separate from someone is laced with cruelty and hostility.

The easy-out of ghosting (just choosing to never reply to someone as a form of letting them know it’s over) is a troubling and contagious disease in today’s dating age. People are treating each other as disposable, interchangeable parts that can simply be thrown by the wayside when deemed no longer “useful.” We’re getting less humane when we leave someone, not more.

The defense is usually, “I know I don’t want to pursue this any further. Why do I owe them any more time or some emotional explanation? I’m busy…”

Answer: Because they’re a human being. If they really haven’t done something awful, respect their humanity and give them a reason. Maybe a slightly sugar-coated one, but one with some honesty in it. Something that gives them closure.

Ignoring someone can be one of the most emotionally hurtful things you can do. Just because you’re not there to see how hurt they are doesn’t mean you didn’t cause some it.

If what you really want to be is in a deeply committed, respectful relationship at some point, guess what? People in those relationships have to do things for someone else that doesn’t benefit them all the time. So you might want to start practicing.

First off, if you’re even THINKING about breaking up with someone over text or email, you’re already way off base. Sure, if you’ve only been together a few times, are maybe still under the 1-month mark, perhaps a curt, clear but polite message will work, no need to meet up in the park. But if you’ve been together for a while, your friends are all intertwined, and your time together takes up a fair bit of yours or their sense of identity, then you can’t be reckless with this. You’ve become a part of their life, to one degree or another. So if you’re going to separate, approach it like you’re about to take something precious away from them; it has to be done delicately.

If it’s someone you dated a few times and maybe a full-meetup isn’t called for, you at least owe them some sort of explanation. Try to make “I” statements instead of “you” statements.”

• “Hey, sorry, but I don’t feel like we’re such a good fit. Best of luck with someone else.”
• “Sorry, but I’m not feeling like the chemistry is really there.”
• “I’m afraid I’m not really ready to get serious with anyone right now. I ask you to let this go and accept it’s for the best.”

Or if there’s an actual reason, hell give it to them. People don’t get critical feedback enough anymore.

• “Sorry, but I don’t feel respected and appreciated enough by you. This isn’t for me.”
• “I feel like our values are too far apart. I’m afraid this is my stop. Best to you.”
• “I don’t feel like I can trust you or that you really care. Please don’t text me anymore.”

There are a million versions of these, of course, depending on your situation, but they all stop way short of “You’re an @sshole” or some vague version of “Screw you!” and the person on the other side might actually learn something. (Yes, sometimes the other person really is an @sshole and needs to be dealt with more assertively. This is at least how it should start; by you calmly asserting your needs.)

Now if you have a longer history, you have to make more of an effort than a text or email. I’ve written my advice to men breaking up with women in length here, but whatever your gender, you owe the person some face time, and at least a few warning shots, that either a) you’re upset at how the relationship is going and need some things to change, or that, b) you’re not sure you want to stay in this relationship and want to have a serious talk with them. If you haven’t registered any complaints to them and break up with them out of nowhere, you’re probably being a bit of a coward. It doesn’t help them to be broken up with before they even knew there was a problem, and probably means you’re going to end up unhappy again because you’re not clearly expressing your concerns or boundaries.

Again, even if you no longer care to continue this relationship, you hopefully still care about being a decent, empathic, ethical and considerate person in general if you want to have success down the road, so those values should show up in your confrontations, too. The true test of someone’s character is how they behave in a quarrel. Not only will the other person get answers they need or a better sense of closure, but you’ll get better at handling tough conversations, too.

I’m not saying it’ll go perfectly. They might want more explanation (which you can choose to offer or not) fly off the handle, behave possessively, demand another chance, or start firing insults back at you. You don’t have to stoop to their level. While they might not seem to appreciate you handling things maturely now, chances are they will in time. Even if they never tell you so.

Let’s all try to work on our dismount. The less wreckage we can cause as we excuse yourselves from whatever romantic pursuit we’re in, the healthier a society we’ll be creating, the more emotionally educated our ex will be, and the better able we are able to keep our integrity together when the ride gets bumpy.

One day, maybe we’ll all become the kind of person who’s finally in a relationship we don’t want to dismount from at all.

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